DO's and DON'Ts for Unemployed Drinkers

Okay, the economy is shitty. Lots of people have lost their jobs or can't find jobs in their field. The job market is more competitive than ever. Money is tight. Businesses are struggling. So what do we do? We drink. That's right. Unemployed people head straight to those local watering holes to drown their sorrows and have some semblance of a social life. Why? Because what else are you going to do when you're jobless and broke? Stay at home and drink alone? Of course not. Even homeless people can't seem to stay on their little corners and suffer in silence...

Now, I'm not going to get into all of the politics of the Occupy Wall Street movement - or the heavy influx of unemployed drifters who now seem to be occupying every fucking bar in New York City. I won't get into why or how these unemployed people became unemployed. Or how they afford the weed they're smoking.

But I will say this - being unemployed does not entitle you to free drinks. It may entitle you to unemployment benefits, Medicaid, or free birth control from Planned Parenthood. But it does not mean that your local bartender should be pouring you free shots all night. This is a business, not a welfare fund. You do NOT get a pity tab and we do NOT accept EBT cards at the bar. And while you may be getting unemployment checks every week to sit on the other side of my bar and whine to me about your life... I'm actually WORKING.  I'm on my feet, dealing with the public, and making drinks for 8 hours every night or day to make a living. I'm not a fucking volunteer. So do your part and when you're over your hangover tomorrow read this list of Do's and Don'ts for unemployed drinkers...

• DO buy a cheap six pack from your local convenience store and spend the night at home.

Or, if you must come to a bar, please...

• DO be smart with what funds you do have. Know what you can and will spend in the bar. 
• DO budget at least $1 of tip into the drink price before purchase.
• DO know how much money is in your checking account before handing me your debit card.
• DO bring a photo ID other than a New York State benefit card.
• DO be respectful when communicating your financial boundaries. I had a customer reveal to me that he was living on unemployment and couldn't meet the $15 credit card minimum and asked if I could make an exception and run it for $10. I did. He tipped me $2 in cash and I bought him his third drink. Respectful communication and decency go very far. 
• DON'T ask for free drinks, free shots or any special discount. 
• DON'T order a drink from a bartender if you do not have the money to pay for it.
• DON'T assume someone else at the bar is going to pay for your drink if they haven't offered. This makes things awkward for everyone. 
• DON'T walk out on your tab without seeing your bartender about it. If you come to a bar regularly and are waiting on an employment check or job to come through, let us know. We may be willing to roll your tab over into the following week as a courtesy, assuming you are apologetic, respectful and remember to tip. 
• DON'T give the bartender an attitude if the service isn't the best service you've ever had. If you are tipping me $1 or less on every drink and Mr. Moneybags on the other side of the bar is throwing $20's at me... Sorry, but your drinks are going to come a little slower. We live in a Capitalist society and just like the country's top business schools, I grade on a curve. You're not a high roller and I work for tips. Accept it and move on. 
• DON'T get passive aggressive when the bartender pours drinks for all of the employed folks next to you, but none for you. Nothing in life is free, including a bartender's attention.
• DON'T call the bartender your friend unless one of these four things is true:
• You have the bartender's phone number (and have actually called them, not just texted)
• You regularly exchange secrets about your life with the bartender (and they reciprocate)
• You hang out with the bartender outside of the bar (on off nights) 
• You have had sex with the bartender (more than once) 

If none of those things apply, our relationship is strictly transactional, and you shouldn't expect me to do something that is bad for business in your interest.

For more ideas on how to drink on the cheap, check out these Drinking Without Income (DWI)  videos from my buddies over at Comediva.

Most Hipster Tip Ever.

Presented without comment.

A dollar and a Cracker Jack Prize.

Whores in bars.

Whores. They flock to bars like puppies to peanut butter. Don't get me wrong. Whore is not a word I love to use. I'm not a huge proponent of the degradation of women, being a girl myself and all, but there are women who utterly embarrass my gender and that's what this post is about. Whores in bars. I know what you're thinking... that I only like to bitchslap idiot men... but you're wrong. When I see women act like complete retards, I also want to slap some sense into them.

Maybe you thought this post was about getting laid, or how to snag "whores in bars." Wrong again. This is all the shit I want to say to these dumb bitches. Think of me as a drunken whore guidance counselor.

First of all let me define the word "whore" for the purposes of this entry. When I say "whore" I mean any lady who puts a value on themselves far beneath where it should be. It doesn't always have to do with trading anything for sex. Some of these bitches are pruder than the Virgin Mary. (?) But they're wrong in the head. Somewhere along the line someone made them feel terrible about themselves so they do what any rational person would do and take their low self esteem out for a nice, strong cocktail.

There are a few different types of bar whores, and we can divide these women up by motivation.

1. "Buy Me a Drink" Whores: These whores are only looking for a drink. And why would they buy it for themselves? They might not have a job yet, or maybe they're just not strong earners. Or maybe they just get a good power trip from having someone else buy them a drink. Because, you know, commanding $12 out of someone takes some real power... Especially when the only skill set it takes is waving your tits in front of the right guy's face or simply asking, with batted eyelids, "will you buy me a drink?" You should totally be the first woman president. Because I'm sure those tactics will carry over.

Listen up, whore: You are humiliating all of womankind by walking around blatantly asking guys to buy you a drink. It's pathetic. Have some self respect, get a job, make some money and buy yourself a drink. Pretend that's how your shitty parents raised you.

2. "Make Out With Me So My Ex Boyfriend Sees" Whores: These whores are predators of the first degree. They are on a mission. Mission Piss Off My Ex. They don't care whose mouth they attach themselves to first. After enough vodka cranberries, they'll lose that judgment anyway. All they know is that their ex-boyfriend is or may soon be in direct viewing distance so they better get that tongue in action ASAP. For some of these whores, the immediate goal is making their boyfriend jealous in order to get him back! Because inflicting further emotional pain always leads to true love, of course. For others the only motivation is a primitive desire to self destruct after being badly hurt. Once they've found themselves a mouth or three to swap saliva with, they often end up in a crying heap on their best friend's shoulder. Don't worry, this is normal. Because, like most decisions made while burning with anger, that was a bad idea.

Listen up, whore: I don't what your idiot beau did, but humiliating yourself will only make it worse. Take 10 seconds or 10 days and take a breather before you canoodle with half the frat boys in the city. It won't win your boyfriend back and it won't give you clarity on life. The only thing you might get is mono, and that shit stays forever.

3. "Knock Me Up and Marry Me" Whores: Okay, so not all of these whores are out to get pregnant. But they are trolling the bar looking for husbands. And I'm not talking about meeting people and getting to know each other and making friends and maybe finding someone - I'm talking let's take a cab to City Hall right now. You think I'm joking but I've seen it happen. More than once. The same whore will show up night after night, go home with a different guy every night until one sticks. She disappears for two weeks. Then the news comes back. "Oh, you know Fiona. Yeah. That guy she went home with last month, they fell in love and they're getting married." Wow. They fell in love. In one night. That's one hell of a blow job, Fiona.

Listen up, whore: If you have no dreams, no personality, no need for independence and/or no hopes for your own life, ignore me. Everyone else in this category: what the fuck?! There is no way you are going to meet someone in one night and be able to determine if they can be your life partner, like, for life. And you can't be in it for the alimony or some divorce settlement if you're picking random guys up at bars. You are either a true fool for love, stupid or clinically depressed. In which case, maybe you should get yourself some Prozac, which is far more consistent than most husbands, also doesn't let you cum, and is definitely cheaper than a divorce.

4. "Love Me, I'm a Sloppy Mess" Whores: This is the saddest and most common category of whore. The whore who thinks she can buy love with sex. It's an easy mistake to make, since that's how they do it on a lot of television shows and movies. And when you grow up believing that, it's a hard tenet to shake. Sometimes, these sex missions are fueled by a bad day, a misguided idea about where happiness comes from, or an insatiable need for attention. When a whore like this walks into a bar, it's a fairly predictable turn of events. She gets drunk, fixates on a guy, gets him to sleep with her and then proceeds to repeat the event every weekend. Because, you know, when you can repeat something it means you have control over it. She doesn't really know him. Just what his penis looks like. They don't date or talk or spend time together. They just hang out at the same bar. But somehow, in her mixed up brain, they are destined to be together. Why? Because her psyche needs to think that.

Listen up, whore: What the fuck do you want? If it's sex. Do it, and don't justify it with a dream of love. Forget your religion. Forget what society says. Forget the word "whore" altogether and just do what you want. If it's love you want, have some fucking self respect first. Cause no one is going to love someone who treats themselves like a worthless piece of ass.

How NOT to give a bartender your number.

For this blog, I give you exhibit A:

Area codes have been covered to protect the idiot.

Let me explain how this happened. A customer asked me to borrow a pen. And me, being the generous and wonderful person I am, gave him one. About ten minutes later, he hands me back the pen with this little piece of paper folded up and says "Hehe, thanks for the pen." I'm pretty sure this guy was 5'2", out of shape and balding. Now, I'm no model, but... that's not my league.

So mistake #1, assuming in an overconfident way that the bartender is interested in you when there is NO REASON AT ALL they would be. He didn't make me laugh. He didn't chat me up. He didn't ask for my name. He just took a Olympic-sized nose dive into my trash bin.

Mistake #2 is... what the hell does that little paper say? NO CATCH? What the fuck does that mean? Does that mean that you're treating your phone number like a prize I've won? "Hey, call within twenty minutes and get a FREE PHONE NUMBER in addition to all this, NO CATCH." Does he think I call random guys from my bar all the time, only to discover... FUCK! They want me to pay for the date and romance them? Or maybe guys just want to date me for the free drinks... Damn. Just my luck. It's that fucking CATCH, again! So it's a form of reassurance, I guess? If he would have written "For a good time, call me" I would have at least laughed at his forwardness and sense of humor but now he just looks like a creep who is full of tricks but wants me to think he isn't. I wish for his sake that seeing the word "CATCH" didn't make me automatically think of diseases. Cause on first glance it reads like "You won't CATCH anything. Call me." Let's reiterate - every interpretation of this trying to be cute-sy language is a FAIL. Don't do it. Grow a pair and talk to the girl in the first place. You were born with a mouth, so use it.

Mistake #3.... We need another picture for this one.

Get a business card if you plan to pick up chicks.

This photo to the right is the backside of that little piece of paper. Impressive, huh? Actually, no, not at all. It's a disaster.

DON'T give someone your number on a piece of garbage, a receipt, or ANYTHING that says a balance is $0.00. I don't care if it's a gift card, a fucking movie rewards card, or your checking account balance. LIE. The right girl won't fall for you for your money. But you're not on eharmony right now looking for the right girl, you're trying to pick up a bartender. Make her believe that "net worth" is a term in your vocabulary you might want to use someday.

And also, where the fuck is PortChester 14? I don't know, but it sounds far away from Manhattan and not very cool. You've officially made yourself look like a total inbred by not having anything nicer, cleaner, or more professional to hand me. You've barely spoken to me, so this is now my first impression of you. Boring, broke, creepy and on a piece of garbage... I feel sorry for you.

Thanks for not littering, however, and handing me this garbage, I'll now put it where it belongs.

How to lose an annoying customer

Sometimes life doesn't just gently hand you lemons, it throws lemons at your head and squirts lemon juice in your eye. Some people like to make lemonade. I prefer to throw back a shot of Patron and attack the lemon from all fronts. 

For a bartender, a lemon is an irritating, problematic, waste-of-your-time customer. They come in many forms. At times, they're confrontational a-holes who find any reason to argue with you. Other times, they're lonely nerds who won't shut up and don't even have the courtesy to keep buying drinks and tipping you while they chew you ear off. And sometimes they're horny creepsters who find a new way to hit on you every time they order a drink. The list goes on and on. When lemons attack, that bar standing between you and a chatty, argumentative sex offender just isn't enough. Bartenders need an educated line of defense. 

And that's where this list comes in. Here are my top five ways to lose an annoying customer:

1. Be a bitch. This is the number one problem with fresh meat behind a bar. They're way too fucking nice. "Oh it's okay if you only have $1 left for a tip after your $60 round of drinks." No, it's not. These bartenders will listen to people yammer on for hours without walking away. Use your judgment new bartenders! If your customer is not cool or respectful, play dirty. You can't fight fire with something soft, like marshmallows. Then you just end up with toasted marshmallows and while those are delicious it's how customers will eat you alive. So keep your distance from their fiery hostility and don't be soft like a marshmallow. Be tough like a fireman and beat them over the head with your 50 pound hose. Start small, by ignoring them. Oh, they don't want a drink? They just want to sit there talking? Then walk away. Do it while they're in the middle of a sentence. If that doesn't work, start aggressively teasing and embarrassing them. If they have friends or a date, humiliate them in front of their friends or date. Their friends will love you for it. Their date will think twice about whether they should have bothered shaving downstairs. If they don't have friends just shame them right to their face. "Wait, are you still talking?" If they start blabbering on to an adjacent customer, make them buy that person a drink. You don't have to yell, just be bitchy enough that they either start playing by your rules or leave. Often, if said nuisance is a dude, he'll be into your bitchiness and either buy you a drink or start tipping you for the entertainment. Men love bitches. So you may just turn that annoying customer into an obedient regular.  Win win. 

2. Get them wasted so they pass out or forget what they're saying. Annoying people are a lot less annoying when they're asleep. So make their drinks strong or bully them into doing some cheap shots. Sooner or later, they'll be sleeping and you'll be able to focus on the customers that really matter. 

3. Cut them off just to piss them off. Some people just like to argue. They like to argue about how their drink tastes. If it's a good value or not. If there's enough alcohol in it. They like to argue about how much their tab is and whether or not they really had all those drinks. (Yes, you did.) Some people are just born conflict-oriented. They feel big and strong and important when they're making a case or hearing their own voice. So they'll make any excuse to talk and sometimes the only thing they can think of is to complain. Also, some people are raised to believe that if they complain enough they'll get things for free. That might be true with your cell phone provider, but it sure as fuck isn't true in a local bar. No one ever gets rewarded for wasting a bartender's time. But everyone has to learn from their own mistakes. For example, I once had a pair of girls argue with me about which cup their drink would be served in. I told them they could have any cup they wanted and showed them their options. They still complained about not having the cup they wanted. They wanted to speak to my manager. About their choice of cups. Yes, people are really THAT fucking crazy. When you encounter a lemon of this size and scale, there is only one thing to do: cut them off. "I'm sorry, I think you've had enough alcohol. Would you like to see your cup options for water?" At this point, they can go somewhere else, annoy someone else - and maybe they'll even find the cup they were looking for. 

4. Introduce them to another bartender.  If you like pranks, and you're not working alone, this is the tactic for you. A customer that wants too much attention and is unreasonably chatty or intent on picking up a bartender that night keeps ordering from you. Maybe it's chance, maybe they spotted you first, maybe you're the more attentive bartender that night. Whatever they case is, there's no reason not to turn fate on its head and say: "Oh, have you met (insert poor innocent co-worker here)?" And then walk away. Ten minutes later your co-worker will run over complaining and you'll get a good laugh. It's a temporary solution but albeit a funny one. 

5. Introduce them to your bouncer. Sometimes, desperate times call for desperate measures. And when things escalate, you've got to call in back up. Those girls who had the cup obsession actually got so loud and hostile with me that a bouncer walked over on his own to check on me. They yelled at him and at my manager who later laughed with me about how crazy they were. Hey, when an annoying customer becomes a hostile customer it's time to 86 them. 

Stop sucking face at my bar!

No, seriously, what is wrong with people?

Do you drunk people who make out at bars actually think you look hot? You don't. There is no make-up or lighting team. This is a not a porno and it's not a big Hollywood moment. It actually looks more like recent news footage from Miami because I'm scared you might be eating that girl's face. Not to mention, I can see your hand up her dress and her leg over your lap, okay? I'm not fucking blind. Get a room! I would walk over and tell you but I'm afraid that anyone who goes near your barstool right now runs the risk of getting pregnant.

I understand that you're drunk and that you haven't had any attention in, like, eleven months or so. And this girl finally wants to have sex with you (maybe). I get it, but this little mating dance that you're doing with your tongues is grossing me out. Stop it! It's disgusting. Bars have dark corners for dark deeds, so why are you swallowing this girl's face in a brightly lit area right in front of my center beer tower? I've seen her, so maybe you do have some issues with your eyesight (beer goggles?), but that's no excuse when you've stationed yourself front and center. I mean, literally everyone in here can also see this horrendous display and it's not pretty... Can I expect to be compensated for the business I'm losing from your repellant act of passion? No!

Therefore, I'm instituting a new cure for "get-a-room-itis." Okay? It's called an HOURLY RATE. If you're not going to actually get a room, I'm going to start charging you $30 per hour to sit at my bar and suck face. You're disturbing my business, my mental health and my appetite. Just make sure you wash your hands before you hand me the cash, please.

NEWS FLASH: I'm not a stripper!

So last night, amongst other hostile bar patrons, I served a customer who is a chronic no-tipper. We'll call him FUCKTARD. After he takes his change and puts ALL OF IT in his pocket, the following dialogue ensues:

Bar Girl: Hey, dude, where's my tip? Why do I always have to remind you to tip?

Fucktard: Hey, maybe if you show me a little titty, I'll tip you.

Bar Girl: I'm not a stripper. This isn't a titty bar. Get the fuck out of my face.

Fucktard: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just drunk. Here's five dollars.

Bar Girl: Thanks. Now get the fuck out of my face.

NEW FLASH TO THE WORLD: Bartenders are NOT strippers. And those tips we earn are for hustling our asses off to make our customers happy and drunk NOT to get naked or grind on someone's business.  Now, I don't have a problem with strippers or escorts or anyone in the business of sex. Power to you. But that's not our jam, you feel me? You don't ask a janitor to cook you a steak medium rare or ask a car salesman for legal advice, do you? No. Because that's not their fucking job. And whatever fucktard does for a living - managing a McDonald's or cleaning NYU's facilities - I don't walk up to him and tell him he'll only get paid if he tailors a pair of pants for me. No. Cause that's fucking stupid.

Bartenders often get confused for other people and professions. Here's a short list:

• Strippers
• Hookers
• AppleCare Geniuses (I don't know why your iPhone won't charge, okay? I plugged it in.)
• Therapists
• Priests (Seriously, I'm a Jew. Idiot. But whatever, you're forgiven.)
• DJs
• Slaves
• Financial Advisors (It's more money cause it's stronger, dumbass. It's worth it.)

So, to avoid further confusion, let's take a look at dictionary.com's definition of bartender:

bar·tend·er

   [bahr-ten-der] 

noun

a person who mixes and serves alcoholic drinks at a bar.

That's it. Simple, right? I make hundreds of excellent drinks at lightning fast speed every night - and I do it with a smile - and for that, I deserve my tips. 

Why the fuck is there change on my bar?

I can't even do laundry or fill a parking meter with this.

Why the fuck is there change on my bar? No, seriously. Who left this here? Did someone actually think this was a tip? And if so, what decade are they living in? It's 2012, not 1908. That's 43 cents. People who leave quarters are bad enough. But I can't even do my laundry or fill a parking meter with this!

Leaving change on a bar is even more disrespectful than not tipping at all. It's like people are trying to allay their guilt for not having an entire dollar or two dollar bills by tossing whatever's been rotting in their pocket at me. How very kind of them for confusing me for the desperate pan-handling crackhead on the corner. I must look stunning today.

Either that, or people are just trying to empty their heavy pockets, which is even worse. My bar is a place where you can sit down and respectfully relax after a long, sticky summer day... but it's not your dresser at home that you can clutter with your pocket contents! Out of an obsessive need to keep my bar clean I took the shameful time to pick up each of these pathetic little tokens... but I wish I caught this fucktard so I could throw them in his drink!

Today's lesson: Change is good in life but never on a bar. So don't do it.

Summer Drinkternship Prep

Aaaaah, summer in New York City. The subways feel like saunas, the vinyl cab seats stick to your bare legs and the humidity feels like the city is giving you a big, sweaty hug. It's gross. You know what else is gross about June?

It's also the month when throngs of spoiled brat college students flock to New York City for a taste of grown up life. Right before they get pushed through the birth canal of graduation into the cold, harsh world they can pretend to be adults and try on real life for size with a summer internship!

And what's the first thing these geniuses do when they arrive in the big city? Put on their big boy clothes and hit up some of the city's 1500 or so bars. But don't be fooled by their professional attire. They are merely babies in their daddy's dress clothes.

Now, since rampant bar hopping is such an intrinsic part of their epic NYC summer, they should be prepared with the proper bar etiquette, right? Wrong. These Sigma Delta Stupids know nothing about how to behave in a bar. Therefore, I've taken it upon myself to draft up the Summer Drinkternship Prep curriculum here. Consider this your prerequisite, pledge.

1. Learn how to spend Daddy's money. Don't hand me your daddy's credit card and explain that it's not your name because it's your dad or stepdad or mom or friend's mom's credit card. No. I can't use it if it's not yours, okay? Ask Daddy to get a credit card issued in your name so you can have a proper drunken summer without any hiccups or better yet, just get Daddy's pin number and get some cash! This way, you don't have to explain to him that the charge from "Mo' Sloppy's Bar" was really just $175 worth of burgers and french fries... for your entire department. And don't forget to tip your bartenders. Anything less than 20% is an insult. We don't put up with your shenanigans for charity.

2. Practice acting like the money you're spending is actually yours. And the internship you're working is actually paying you. And you're wearing a suit because you're really important or going to be someone important. Oh, no wait, you idiots already do that.

3. Study your basic liquors and test what your body can tolerate. I thought by senior year you guys would know what your body can handle from all that binge drinking in freshman, sophomore and junior years. But, I guess sometimes you need a little more practice... so please get it in the month before you ship off to New York! Do you rage on rum? Get wobbly on whiskey? I don't care. Just figure it out before you're ten drinks deep on the wrong spirit in my establishment.

4. Do a test run of ordering drinks at a local bar. Don't ask me what you should drink. I don't know what you should drink. I don't even know you. I'm a bartender, not a fortune teller. Do your due diligence as mentioned above and then go to a local bar and try out different liquor and mixer combinations. Otherwise, I'm going to serve you Amaretto Sours all night and laugh myself silly.

5. Remember to forget every pick up line you've ever heard. Pick up lines make you look like an idiot. Maybe you are an idiot, but you're trying to seem cooler than you are, not tell the truth, right? So take this advice from someone with a vagina: Lines never work. I don't understand why men are still writing books on how to pick up women and what lines work best. The ones that work best are the ones you don't use. So stop trying so hard and you'll be less of a creep. And when you're less of a creep (and there's alcohol involved) people will naturally want to talk to you. Go with that.

6. Girls, please pay with cash. When you order eight lemon drop shots and then each want to pay for them separately on credit cards your bartender might turn into a ball of flames and burn you to the ground. It's just rude. If you're not going to tip us, at least make our lives a little easier, eh?

Watercolor Memories of Memorial Day Weekend

Last week was fleet week in NYC. You know what that means? Gigantic ships docked along the West side, an increased police presence at the piers and alcoholic uniformed men roaming the streets in search of a party every night. In honor of Memorial Day, I served countless cocktails at a military discount, 86'd two underage sailors, and even carded a few Blue Angels (how was I to know how important those dudes are??). Most importantly, on my Sunday off, I attempted to challenge my own memory with an overabundance of alcohol. Isn't that what Memorial Day is all about? By now I've almost pieced the entire weekend together... I didn't lose my phone, my wallet or my relationship. Unfortunately I may have lost some dignity, my dinner and my ability to stand up and function on Monday, which was followed by losing my regular Monday night shift. Also lost: the desire to put vodka anywhere near my mouth ever again. I will return to my better side of the bar, behind it!, this weekend. I may or may not have mixed too many types of liquor, broken a few laws, and even urinated on the street (so I'm told) but I DID remember to tip my bartender. So learn from me, people. You can be as sloppy as you want to be. As long as you tip your bartender extra for putting up with your stupid ass. Some other memories will have to remain misplaced. But what can I say? Mission accomplished.

Let's talk crazy.

This one goes out to all the lunatics who are drawn to the bar like moths to a flame. Those nutty mother fuckers who walk in demanding drinks, lose their money, get into fights, talk loudly, lie pathologically, dance, laugh and cry - all within a matter of 60 seconds. This is how people get 86'd. I'm not against hearing a sad story here and there. "I've never met my father." "My son thinks I'm crazy." "No one loves me." "My girlfriend beats me." Blah Blah Blah. You're depressing everyone in here. And you just tipped me one dollar. Now, I might not be a licensed therapist, but I deserve more respect than that. You just tortured me for a fucking hour with your personal tale of woe and now I can't even afford to buy myself a candy bar? How am I supposed to console my mind, which is now ravaged from how depressing you are? How unjust is that? And now you're playing sad songs on the jukebox and singing them to yourself while crying... Great. Now you've got to go. This isn't your bedroom and you're not a fourteen-year-old girl dealing with unrequited love. You're a fat, old, sad person who needs some fucking Prozac, stat. More tales of crazy customers to come... If I get angry enough, I might even reenact them on camera...

You're a creep.

Have you guys seen this video? I have. Months ago. If you haven't, watch it. Then ask yourself if showing it to a hot girl as an icebreaker is a good idea. I'm gonna go with "no." But it happened. A random guy at the bar asked me if I'd seen it and then told me he thought human beings were innately sexual animals. First of all, duh. Second of all, that doesn't make you deep or smart - it makes you a creep. Here's a tip: leading your pick-up with a chimpanzee raping a frog is the worst idea ever. Next time, avoid anything that suggests rape, has to do with rape, or HAS "RAPE" IN THE TITLE you fucking moron. The end.

Riddle me this!

What is it with guys trying to pick up bartenders? We are literally the ONLY females in the establishment who did not choose to be there to meet people or socialize - we are working. And we'll probably tell you anything you want to hear for $10. Are you really so cocky and convinced that you're different from every other guy that tries to pick us up? Here is what makes one different from the other - where they land on the spectrum of stupid pick up lines. There will certainly be a series devoted to this one, stay tuned for that. But we'll start with this little gem from last night:

Guy: There's a difference between being a man of the world and a man of the earth.
Me: Okay...
Guy: It's a man's world but a woman's earth.
Me: uh huh (subtext: what the fuck are you talking about?)
Guy: You know, I would light you up! Make you shrimp marinara.
Me: Oh, that's very nice (just tip me).

Okay... Why are you talking in riddles? That is definitely not a panty dropper. I know you're trying to sound profound but you actually sound like Dr. Seuss. Now you just sound crazy or confused. And then after making no sense at all, you offer to make me shrimp marinara? Who does that? Does that ever work for you on non-bartenders? Please, just tip me and I'll buy myself the shrimp marinara and eat it in solitude where no one bothers me with non-sensical riddles or trying to get in my pants.

I don't like liars.

Don't tell me you're going to meet the tab minimum with a big tip when the truth is: I'm going to make and alter your drink five times while you change your order around because you have a lack of communication skills and/or a crippling inability to make decisions. Tell me what you want! My job is to serve you! Help me help you! And then after I finally give you what you finally decide you want, you write a big fat "0" in the tip section of your check. Seriously? How's this for service? The next time a customer makes me jump through hoops because of their own failure to be human and then leaves me no tip, I'm going to cut them. Not cut them off, just cut them. And trust me, the law will be on my side with this one.

I am not an DJ.

If this dumb bitch doesn't stop asking me to play Mariah Carey's Heartbreaker I'm going to break something else, like her face. I am not a DJ. I am a bartender. I make drinks. See that shiny blinking appliance over there? That's a jukebox! It plays music. I make drinks. Music. Drinks. Music. Drinks. See the difference?

Comic Illustration by Liza Biggers.

Slow and steady

Whenever someone asks me for something "real quick', I feel the burning desire to move obnoxiously slow - just because I can. Also because I think said someone is an a-hole for asking for a glass of water "real quick." You didn't cross the Mohave to get to this bar, you just let too many ugly, sweaty fat girls grind on you on the dance floor and now you're thirsty. Until you grow some manners and a pair of balls, I'll just take my sweet time with your bullsh*t order. Thanks.

Just because you're balding doesn't mean you're over 21.

This one goes out to the Asian dude with the thinning hair who gave us bartenders an attitude and said it was "completely unnecessary" to ID him. We ID everyone. Trust me, you're not special. If it's too much hassle for you to prove your age in our drinking establishment, feel free to take your attitude and your ugly head elsewhere.

No, you can't have water!

I was so excited when I saw that a "Sh*t Bartenders Say" video was finally produced. Until I watched it and didn't laugh once. Real bartenders don't say any of this sh*t. We actually spend a good amount of time mumbling profanities under our breath as we watch assholes walk away without tipping us. So in the interest of fantasy fulfillment (this is a chaste one, I know), I present to you, things bartenders WISH they could say:

"No, you can't have water."

To someone who takes forever to pay: "That's okay, take your time. Those other screaming patrons can wait."

To someone who tries to pay for a $3 beer with their credit card: "Don't even worry about it. Just get out of my face."

To a girl, when she doesn't tip: "Enjoy your cranberry juice cocktail." :)

To a girl, when her guy doesn't tip: "Don't F*ck him. He's really cheap."

To a guy who orders a Sex on the Beach, for himself: "No. Just...no."

To anyone who tells me their vodka and cranberry is TOO SWEET: "You know cranberry juice is juice, right?"

To anyone who asks for a STRONG Long Island Iced Tea: "You disgust me."

To a fat girl, when she asks what she should drink: "MGD 64."

To a skinny girl, when she asks what she should drink: "Definitely a mudslide."

To anyone who asks me what they should drink: "I don't have a drink that makes you attractive, generous and funny, so nothing."

To someone who orders a cosmopolitan at peak hours: "Let's trade places for a minute!"

On second thought, I may have actually said a few of these things...