3.31.2012

Just because you're balding doesn't mean you're over 21.

This one goes out to the Asian dude with the thinning hair who gave us bartenders an attitude and said it was "completely unnecessary" to ID him. We ID everyone. Trust me, you're not special. If it's too much hassle for you to prove your age in our drinking establishment, feel free to take your attitude and your ugly head elsewhere.

3.28.2012

No, you can't have water!

I was so excited when I saw that a "Sh*t Bartenders Say" video was finally produced. Until I watched it and didn't laugh once. Real bartenders don't say any of this sh*t. We actually spend a good amount of time mumbling profanities under our breath as we watch assholes walk away without tipping us. So in the interest of fantasy fulfillment (this is a chaste one, I know), I present to you, things bartenders WISH they could say:

"No, you can't have water."

To someone who takes forever to pay: "That's okay, take your time. Those other screaming patrons can wait."

To someone who tries to pay for a $3 beer with their credit card: "Don't even worry about it. Just get out of my face."

To a girl, when she doesn't tip: "Enjoy your cranberry juice cocktail." :)

To a girl, when her guy doesn't tip: "Don't F*ck him. He's really cheap."

To a guy who orders a Sex on the Beach, for himself: "No. Just...no."

To anyone who tells me their vodka and cranberry is TOO SWEET: "You know cranberry juice is juice, right?"

To anyone who asks for a STRONG Long Island Iced Tea: "You disgust me."

To a fat girl, when she asks what she should drink: "MGD 64."

To a skinny girl, when she asks what she should drink: "Definitely a mudslide."

To anyone who asks me what they should drink: "I don't have a drink that makes you attractive, generous and funny, so nothing."

To someone who orders a cosmopolitan at peak hours: "Let's trade places for a minute!"

On second thought, I may have actually said a few of these things...