NEWS FLASH: I'm not a stripper!

So last night, amongst other hostile bar patrons, I served a customer who is a chronic no-tipper. We'll call him FUCKTARD. After he takes his change and puts ALL OF IT in his pocket, the following dialogue ensues:

Bar Girl: Hey, dude, where's my tip? Why do I always have to remind you to tip?

Fucktard: Hey, maybe if you show me a little titty, I'll tip you.

Bar Girl: I'm not a stripper. This isn't a titty bar. Get the fuck out of my face.

Fucktard: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just drunk. Here's five dollars.

Bar Girl: Thanks. Now get the fuck out of my face.

NEW FLASH TO THE WORLD: Bartenders are NOT strippers. And those tips we earn are for hustling our asses off to make our customers happy and drunk NOT to get naked or grind on someone's business.  Now, I don't have a problem with strippers or escorts or anyone in the business of sex. Power to you. But that's not our jam, you feel me? You don't ask a janitor to cook you a steak medium rare or ask a car salesman for legal advice, do you? No. Because that's not their fucking job. And whatever fucktard does for a living - managing a McDonald's or cleaning NYU's facilities - I don't walk up to him and tell him he'll only get paid if he tailors a pair of pants for me. No. Cause that's fucking stupid.

Bartenders often get confused for other people and professions. Here's a short list:

• Strippers
• Hookers
• AppleCare Geniuses (I don't know why your iPhone won't charge, okay? I plugged it in.)
• Therapists
• Priests (Seriously, I'm a Jew. Idiot. But whatever, you're forgiven.)
• DJs
• Slaves
• Financial Advisors (It's more money cause it's stronger, dumbass. It's worth it.)

So, to avoid further confusion, let's take a look at dictionary.com's definition of bartender:

bar·tend·er

   [bahr-ten-der] 

noun

a person who mixes and serves alcoholic drinks at a bar.

That's it. Simple, right? I make hundreds of excellent drinks at lightning fast speed every night - and I do it with a smile - and for that, I deserve my tips.