No, you can't have water!

I was so excited when I saw that a "Sh*t Bartenders Say" video was finally produced. Until I watched it and didn't laugh once. Real bartenders don't say any of this sh*t. We actually spend a good amount of time mumbling profanities under our breath as we watch assholes walk away without tipping us. So in the interest of fantasy fulfillment (this is a chaste one, I know), I present to you, things bartenders WISH they could say:

"No, you can't have water."

To someone who takes forever to pay: "That's okay, take your time. Those other screaming patrons can wait."

To someone who tries to pay for a $3 beer with their credit card: "Don't even worry about it. Just get out of my face."

To a girl, when she doesn't tip: "Enjoy your cranberry juice cocktail." :)

To a girl, when her guy doesn't tip: "Don't F*ck him. He's really cheap."

To a guy who orders a Sex on the Beach, for himself: "No. Just...no."

To anyone who tells me their vodka and cranberry is TOO SWEET: "You know cranberry juice is juice, right?"

To anyone who asks for a STRONG Long Island Iced Tea: "You disgust me."

To a fat girl, when she asks what she should drink: "MGD 64."

To a skinny girl, when she asks what she should drink: "Definitely a mudslide."

To anyone who asks me what they should drink: "I don't have a drink that makes you attractive, generous and funny, so nothing."

To someone who orders a cosmopolitan at peak hours: "Let's trade places for a minute!"

On second thought, I may have actually said a few of these things...