How NOT to give a bartender your number.

For this blog, I give you exhibit A:

Area codes have been covered to protect the idiot.

Let me explain how this happened. A customer asked me to borrow a pen. And me, being the generous and wonderful person I am, gave him one. About ten minutes later, he hands me back the pen with this little piece of paper folded up and says "Hehe, thanks for the pen." I'm pretty sure this guy was 5'2", out of shape and balding. Now, I'm no model, but... that's not my league.

So mistake #1, assuming in an overconfident way that the bartender is interested in you when there is NO REASON AT ALL they would be. He didn't make me laugh. He didn't chat me up. He didn't ask for my name. He just took a Olympic-sized nose dive into my trash bin.

Mistake #2 is... what the hell does that little paper say? NO CATCH? What the fuck does that mean? Does that mean that you're treating your phone number like a prize I've won? "Hey, call within twenty minutes and get a FREE PHONE NUMBER in addition to all this, NO CATCH." Does he think I call random guys from my bar all the time, only to discover... FUCK! They want me to pay for the date and romance them? Or maybe guys just want to date me for the free drinks... Damn. Just my luck. It's that fucking CATCH, again! So it's a form of reassurance, I guess? If he would have written "For a good time, call me" I would have at least laughed at his forwardness and sense of humor but now he just looks like a creep who is full of tricks but wants me to think he isn't. I wish for his sake that seeing the word "CATCH" didn't make me automatically think of diseases. Cause on first glance it reads like "You won't CATCH anything. Call me." Let's reiterate - every interpretation of this trying to be cute-sy language is a FAIL. Don't do it. Grow a pair and talk to the girl in the first place. You were born with a mouth, so use it.

Mistake #3.... We need another picture for this one.

Get a business card if you plan to pick up chicks.

This photo to the right is the backside of that little piece of paper. Impressive, huh? Actually, no, not at all. It's a disaster.

DON'T give someone your number on a piece of garbage, a receipt, or ANYTHING that says a balance is $0.00. I don't care if it's a gift card, a fucking movie rewards card, or your checking account balance. LIE. The right girl won't fall for you for your money. But you're not on eharmony right now looking for the right girl, you're trying to pick up a bartender. Make her believe that "net worth" is a term in your vocabulary you might want to use someday.

And also, where the fuck is PortChester 14? I don't know, but it sounds far away from Manhattan and not very cool. You've officially made yourself look like a total inbred by not having anything nicer, cleaner, or more professional to hand me. You've barely spoken to me, so this is now my first impression of you. Boring, broke, creepy and on a piece of garbage... I feel sorry for you.

Thanks for not littering, however, and handing me this garbage, I'll now put it where it belongs.