Stop sucking face at my bar!

No, seriously, what is wrong with people?

Do you drunk people who make out at bars actually think you look hot? You don't. There is no make-up or lighting team. This is a not a porno and it's not a big Hollywood moment. It actually looks more like recent news footage from Miami because I'm scared you might be eating that girl's face. Not to mention, I can see your hand up her dress and her leg over your lap, okay? I'm not fucking blind. Get a room! I would walk over and tell you but I'm afraid that anyone who goes near your barstool right now runs the risk of getting pregnant.

I understand that you're drunk and that you haven't had any attention in, like, eleven months or so. And this girl finally wants to have sex with you (maybe). I get it, but this little mating dance that you're doing with your tongues is grossing me out. Stop it! It's disgusting. Bars have dark corners for dark deeds, so why are you swallowing this girl's face in a brightly lit area right in front of my center beer tower? I've seen her, so maybe you do have some issues with your eyesight (beer goggles?), but that's no excuse when you've stationed yourself front and center. I mean, literally everyone in here can also see this horrendous display and it's not pretty... Can I expect to be compensated for the business I'm losing from your repellant act of passion? No!

Therefore, I'm instituting a new cure for "get-a-room-itis." Okay? It's called an HOURLY RATE. If you're not going to actually get a room, I'm going to start charging you $30 per hour to sit at my bar and suck face. You're disturbing my business, my mental health and my appetite. Just make sure you wash your hands before you hand me the cash, please.