Whores in bars.

Whores. They flock to bars like puppies to peanut butter. Don't get me wrong. Whore is not a word I love to use. I'm not a huge proponent of the degradation of women, being a girl myself and all, but there are women who utterly embarrass my gender and that's what this post is about. Whores in bars. I know what you're thinking... that I only like to bitchslap idiot men... but you're wrong. When I see women act like complete retards, I also want to slap some sense into them.

Maybe you thought this post was about getting laid, or how to snag "whores in bars." Wrong again. This is all the shit I want to say to these dumb bitches. Think of me as a drunken whore guidance counselor.

First of all let me define the word "whore" for the purposes of this entry. When I say "whore" I mean any lady who puts a value on themselves far beneath where it should be. It doesn't always have to do with trading anything for sex. Some of these bitches are pruder than the Virgin Mary. (?) But they're wrong in the head. Somewhere along the line someone made them feel terrible about themselves so they do what any rational person would do and take their low self esteem out for a nice, strong cocktail.

There are a few different types of bar whores, and we can divide these women up by motivation.

1. "Buy Me a Drink" Whores: These whores are only looking for a drink. And why would they buy it for themselves? They might not have a job yet, or maybe they're just not strong earners. Or maybe they just get a good power trip from having someone else buy them a drink. Because, you know, commanding $12 out of someone takes some real power... Especially when the only skill set it takes is waving your tits in front of the right guy's face or simply asking, with batted eyelids, "will you buy me a drink?" You should totally be the first woman president. Because I'm sure those tactics will carry over.

Listen up, whore: You are humiliating all of womankind by walking around blatantly asking guys to buy you a drink. It's pathetic. Have some self respect, get a job, make some money and buy yourself a drink. Pretend that's how your shitty parents raised you.

2. "Make Out With Me So My Ex Boyfriend Sees" Whores: These whores are predators of the first degree. They are on a mission. Mission Piss Off My Ex. They don't care whose mouth they attach themselves to first. After enough vodka cranberries, they'll lose that judgment anyway. All they know is that their ex-boyfriend is or may soon be in direct viewing distance so they better get that tongue in action ASAP. For some of these whores, the immediate goal is making their boyfriend jealous in order to get him back! Because inflicting further emotional pain always leads to true love, of course. For others the only motivation is a primitive desire to self destruct after being badly hurt. Once they've found themselves a mouth or three to swap saliva with, they often end up in a crying heap on their best friend's shoulder. Don't worry, this is normal. Because, like most decisions made while burning with anger, that was a bad idea.

Listen up, whore: I don't what your idiot beau did, but humiliating yourself will only make it worse. Take 10 seconds or 10 days and take a breather before you canoodle with half the frat boys in the city. It won't win your boyfriend back and it won't give you clarity on life. The only thing you might get is mono, and that shit stays forever.

3. "Knock Me Up and Marry Me" Whores: Okay, so not all of these whores are out to get pregnant. But they are trolling the bar looking for husbands. And I'm not talking about meeting people and getting to know each other and making friends and maybe finding someone - I'm talking let's take a cab to City Hall right now. You think I'm joking but I've seen it happen. More than once. The same whore will show up night after night, go home with a different guy every night until one sticks. She disappears for two weeks. Then the news comes back. "Oh, you know Fiona. Yeah. That guy she went home with last month, they fell in love and they're getting married." Wow. They fell in love. In one night. That's one hell of a blow job, Fiona.

Listen up, whore: If you have no dreams, no personality, no need for independence and/or no hopes for your own life, ignore me. Everyone else in this category: what the fuck?! There is no way you are going to meet someone in one night and be able to determine if they can be your life partner, like, for life. And you can't be in it for the alimony or some divorce settlement if you're picking random guys up at bars. You are either a true fool for love, stupid or clinically depressed. In which case, maybe you should get yourself some Prozac, which is far more consistent than most husbands, also doesn't let you cum, and is definitely cheaper than a divorce.

4. "Love Me, I'm a Sloppy Mess" Whores: This is the saddest and most common category of whore. The whore who thinks she can buy love with sex. It's an easy mistake to make, since that's how they do it on a lot of television shows and movies. And when you grow up believing that, it's a hard tenet to shake. Sometimes, these sex missions are fueled by a bad day, a misguided idea about where happiness comes from, or an insatiable need for attention. When a whore like this walks into a bar, it's a fairly predictable turn of events. She gets drunk, fixates on a guy, gets him to sleep with her and then proceeds to repeat the event every weekend. Because, you know, when you can repeat something it means you have control over it. She doesn't really know him. Just what his penis looks like. They don't date or talk or spend time together. They just hang out at the same bar. But somehow, in her mixed up brain, they are destined to be together. Why? Because her psyche needs to think that.

Listen up, whore: What the fuck do you want? If it's sex. Do it, and don't justify it with a dream of love. Forget your religion. Forget what society says. Forget the word "whore" altogether and just do what you want. If it's love you want, have some fucking self respect first. Cause no one is going to love someone who treats themselves like a worthless piece of ass.