DO's and DON'Ts for Unemployed Drinkers

Okay, the economy is shitty. Lots of people have lost their jobs or can't find jobs in their field. The job market is more competitive than ever. Money is tight. Businesses are struggling. So what do we do? We drink. That's right. Unemployed people head straight to those local watering holes to drown their sorrows and have some semblance of a social life. Why? Because what else are you going to do when you're jobless and broke? Stay at home and drink alone? Of course not. Even homeless people can't seem to stay on their little corners and suffer in silence...

Now, I'm not going to get into all of the politics of the Occupy Wall Street movement - or the heavy influx of unemployed drifters who now seem to be occupying every fucking bar in New York City. I won't get into why or how these unemployed people became unemployed. Or how they afford the weed they're smoking.

But I will say this - being unemployed does not entitle you to free drinks. It may entitle you to unemployment benefits, Medicaid, or free birth control from Planned Parenthood. But it does not mean that your local bartender should be pouring you free shots all night. This is a business, not a welfare fund. You do NOT get a pity tab and we do NOT accept EBT cards at the bar. And while you may be getting unemployment checks every week to sit on the other side of my bar and whine to me about your life... I'm actually WORKING.  I'm on my feet, dealing with the public, and making drinks for 8 hours every night or day to make a living. I'm not a fucking volunteer. So do your part and when you're over your hangover tomorrow read this list of Do's and Don'ts for unemployed drinkers...

• DO buy a cheap six pack from your local convenience store and spend the night at home.

Or, if you must come to a bar, please...

• DO be smart with what funds you do have. Know what you can and will spend in the bar. 
• DO budget at least $1 of tip into the drink price before purchase.
• DO know how much money is in your checking account before handing me your debit card.
• DO bring a photo ID other than a New York State benefit card.
• DO be respectful when communicating your financial boundaries. I had a customer reveal to me that he was living on unemployment and couldn't meet the $15 credit card minimum and asked if I could make an exception and run it for $10. I did. He tipped me $2 in cash and I bought him his third drink. Respectful communication and decency go very far. 
• DON'T ask for free drinks, free shots or any special discount. 
• DON'T order a drink from a bartender if you do not have the money to pay for it.
• DON'T assume someone else at the bar is going to pay for your drink if they haven't offered. This makes things awkward for everyone. 
• DON'T walk out on your tab without seeing your bartender about it. If you come to a bar regularly and are waiting on an employment check or job to come through, let us know. We may be willing to roll your tab over into the following week as a courtesy, assuming you are apologetic, respectful and remember to tip. 
• DON'T give the bartender an attitude if the service isn't the best service you've ever had. If you are tipping me $1 or less on every drink and Mr. Moneybags on the other side of the bar is throwing $20's at me... Sorry, but your drinks are going to come a little slower. We live in a Capitalist society and just like the country's top business schools, I grade on a curve. You're not a high roller and I work for tips. Accept it and move on. 
• DON'T get passive aggressive when the bartender pours drinks for all of the employed folks next to you, but none for you. Nothing in life is free, including a bartender's attention.
• DON'T call the bartender your friend unless one of these four things is true:
• You have the bartender's phone number (and have actually called them, not just texted)
• You regularly exchange secrets about your life with the bartender (and they reciprocate)
• You hang out with the bartender outside of the bar (on off nights) 
• You have had sex with the bartender (more than once) 

If none of those things apply, our relationship is strictly transactional, and you shouldn't expect me to do something that is bad for business in your interest.

For more ideas on how to drink on the cheap, check out these Drinking Without Income (DWI)  videos from my buddies over at Comediva.

Most Hipster Tip Ever.

Presented without comment.

A dollar and a Cracker Jack Prize.

Whores in bars.

Whores. They flock to bars like puppies to peanut butter. Don't get me wrong. Whore is not a word I love to use. I'm not a huge proponent of the degradation of women, being a girl myself and all, but there are women who utterly embarrass my gender and that's what this post is about. Whores in bars. I know what you're thinking... that I only like to bitchslap idiot men... but you're wrong. When I see women act like complete retards, I also want to slap some sense into them.

Maybe you thought this post was about getting laid, or how to snag "whores in bars." Wrong again. This is all the shit I want to say to these dumb bitches. Think of me as a drunken whore guidance counselor.

First of all let me define the word "whore" for the purposes of this entry. When I say "whore" I mean any lady who puts a value on themselves far beneath where it should be. It doesn't always have to do with trading anything for sex. Some of these bitches are pruder than the Virgin Mary. (?) But they're wrong in the head. Somewhere along the line someone made them feel terrible about themselves so they do what any rational person would do and take their low self esteem out for a nice, strong cocktail.

There are a few different types of bar whores, and we can divide these women up by motivation.

1. "Buy Me a Drink" Whores: These whores are only looking for a drink. And why would they buy it for themselves? They might not have a job yet, or maybe they're just not strong earners. Or maybe they just get a good power trip from having someone else buy them a drink. Because, you know, commanding $12 out of someone takes some real power... Especially when the only skill set it takes is waving your tits in front of the right guy's face or simply asking, with batted eyelids, "will you buy me a drink?" You should totally be the first woman president. Because I'm sure those tactics will carry over.

Listen up, whore: You are humiliating all of womankind by walking around blatantly asking guys to buy you a drink. It's pathetic. Have some self respect, get a job, make some money and buy yourself a drink. Pretend that's how your shitty parents raised you.

2. "Make Out With Me So My Ex Boyfriend Sees" Whores: These whores are predators of the first degree. They are on a mission. Mission Piss Off My Ex. They don't care whose mouth they attach themselves to first. After enough vodka cranberries, they'll lose that judgment anyway. All they know is that their ex-boyfriend is or may soon be in direct viewing distance so they better get that tongue in action ASAP. For some of these whores, the immediate goal is making their boyfriend jealous in order to get him back! Because inflicting further emotional pain always leads to true love, of course. For others the only motivation is a primitive desire to self destruct after being badly hurt. Once they've found themselves a mouth or three to swap saliva with, they often end up in a crying heap on their best friend's shoulder. Don't worry, this is normal. Because, like most decisions made while burning with anger, that was a bad idea.

Listen up, whore: I don't what your idiot beau did, but humiliating yourself will only make it worse. Take 10 seconds or 10 days and take a breather before you canoodle with half the frat boys in the city. It won't win your boyfriend back and it won't give you clarity on life. The only thing you might get is mono, and that shit stays forever.

3. "Knock Me Up and Marry Me" Whores: Okay, so not all of these whores are out to get pregnant. But they are trolling the bar looking for husbands. And I'm not talking about meeting people and getting to know each other and making friends and maybe finding someone - I'm talking let's take a cab to City Hall right now. You think I'm joking but I've seen it happen. More than once. The same whore will show up night after night, go home with a different guy every night until one sticks. She disappears for two weeks. Then the news comes back. "Oh, you know Fiona. Yeah. That guy she went home with last month, they fell in love and they're getting married." Wow. They fell in love. In one night. That's one hell of a blow job, Fiona.

Listen up, whore: If you have no dreams, no personality, no need for independence and/or no hopes for your own life, ignore me. Everyone else in this category: what the fuck?! There is no way you are going to meet someone in one night and be able to determine if they can be your life partner, like, for life. And you can't be in it for the alimony or some divorce settlement if you're picking random guys up at bars. You are either a true fool for love, stupid or clinically depressed. In which case, maybe you should get yourself some Prozac, which is far more consistent than most husbands, also doesn't let you cum, and is definitely cheaper than a divorce.

4. "Love Me, I'm a Sloppy Mess" Whores: This is the saddest and most common category of whore. The whore who thinks she can buy love with sex. It's an easy mistake to make, since that's how they do it on a lot of television shows and movies. And when you grow up believing that, it's a hard tenet to shake. Sometimes, these sex missions are fueled by a bad day, a misguided idea about where happiness comes from, or an insatiable need for attention. When a whore like this walks into a bar, it's a fairly predictable turn of events. She gets drunk, fixates on a guy, gets him to sleep with her and then proceeds to repeat the event every weekend. Because, you know, when you can repeat something it means you have control over it. She doesn't really know him. Just what his penis looks like. They don't date or talk or spend time together. They just hang out at the same bar. But somehow, in her mixed up brain, they are destined to be together. Why? Because her psyche needs to think that.

Listen up, whore: What the fuck do you want? If it's sex. Do it, and don't justify it with a dream of love. Forget your religion. Forget what society says. Forget the word "whore" altogether and just do what you want. If it's love you want, have some fucking self respect first. Cause no one is going to love someone who treats themselves like a worthless piece of ass.

How NOT to give a bartender your number.

For this blog, I give you exhibit A:

Area codes have been covered to protect the idiot.

Let me explain how this happened. A customer asked me to borrow a pen. And me, being the generous and wonderful person I am, gave him one. About ten minutes later, he hands me back the pen with this little piece of paper folded up and says "Hehe, thanks for the pen." I'm pretty sure this guy was 5'2", out of shape and balding. Now, I'm no model, but... that's not my league.

So mistake #1, assuming in an overconfident way that the bartender is interested in you when there is NO REASON AT ALL they would be. He didn't make me laugh. He didn't chat me up. He didn't ask for my name. He just took a Olympic-sized nose dive into my trash bin.

Mistake #2 is... what the hell does that little paper say? NO CATCH? What the fuck does that mean? Does that mean that you're treating your phone number like a prize I've won? "Hey, call within twenty minutes and get a FREE PHONE NUMBER in addition to all this, NO CATCH." Does he think I call random guys from my bar all the time, only to discover... FUCK! They want me to pay for the date and romance them? Or maybe guys just want to date me for the free drinks... Damn. Just my luck. It's that fucking CATCH, again! So it's a form of reassurance, I guess? If he would have written "For a good time, call me" I would have at least laughed at his forwardness and sense of humor but now he just looks like a creep who is full of tricks but wants me to think he isn't. I wish for his sake that seeing the word "CATCH" didn't make me automatically think of diseases. Cause on first glance it reads like "You won't CATCH anything. Call me." Let's reiterate - every interpretation of this trying to be cute-sy language is a FAIL. Don't do it. Grow a pair and talk to the girl in the first place. You were born with a mouth, so use it.

Mistake #3.... We need another picture for this one.

Get a business card if you plan to pick up chicks.

This photo to the right is the backside of that little piece of paper. Impressive, huh? Actually, no, not at all. It's a disaster.

DON'T give someone your number on a piece of garbage, a receipt, or ANYTHING that says a balance is $0.00. I don't care if it's a gift card, a fucking movie rewards card, or your checking account balance. LIE. The right girl won't fall for you for your money. But you're not on eharmony right now looking for the right girl, you're trying to pick up a bartender. Make her believe that "net worth" is a term in your vocabulary you might want to use someday.

And also, where the fuck is PortChester 14? I don't know, but it sounds far away from Manhattan and not very cool. You've officially made yourself look like a total inbred by not having anything nicer, cleaner, or more professional to hand me. You've barely spoken to me, so this is now my first impression of you. Boring, broke, creepy and on a piece of garbage... I feel sorry for you.

Thanks for not littering, however, and handing me this garbage, I'll now put it where it belongs.

How to lose an annoying customer

Sometimes life doesn't just gently hand you lemons, it throws lemons at your head and squirts lemon juice in your eye. Some people like to make lemonade. I prefer to throw back a shot of Patron and attack the lemon from all fronts. 

For a bartender, a lemon is an irritating, problematic, waste-of-your-time customer. They come in many forms. At times, they're confrontational a-holes who find any reason to argue with you. Other times, they're lonely nerds who won't shut up and don't even have the courtesy to keep buying drinks and tipping you while they chew you ear off. And sometimes they're horny creepsters who find a new way to hit on you every time they order a drink. The list goes on and on. When lemons attack, that bar standing between you and a chatty, argumentative sex offender just isn't enough. Bartenders need an educated line of defense. 

And that's where this list comes in. Here are my top five ways to lose an annoying customer:

1. Be a bitch. This is the number one problem with fresh meat behind a bar. They're way too fucking nice. "Oh it's okay if you only have $1 left for a tip after your $60 round of drinks." No, it's not. These bartenders will listen to people yammer on for hours without walking away. Use your judgment new bartenders! If your customer is not cool or respectful, play dirty. You can't fight fire with something soft, like marshmallows. Then you just end up with toasted marshmallows and while those are delicious it's how customers will eat you alive. So keep your distance from their fiery hostility and don't be soft like a marshmallow. Be tough like a fireman and beat them over the head with your 50 pound hose. Start small, by ignoring them. Oh, they don't want a drink? They just want to sit there talking? Then walk away. Do it while they're in the middle of a sentence. If that doesn't work, start aggressively teasing and embarrassing them. If they have friends or a date, humiliate them in front of their friends or date. Their friends will love you for it. Their date will think twice about whether they should have bothered shaving downstairs. If they don't have friends just shame them right to their face. "Wait, are you still talking?" If they start blabbering on to an adjacent customer, make them buy that person a drink. You don't have to yell, just be bitchy enough that they either start playing by your rules or leave. Often, if said nuisance is a dude, he'll be into your bitchiness and either buy you a drink or start tipping you for the entertainment. Men love bitches. So you may just turn that annoying customer into an obedient regular.  Win win. 

2. Get them wasted so they pass out or forget what they're saying. Annoying people are a lot less annoying when they're asleep. So make their drinks strong or bully them into doing some cheap shots. Sooner or later, they'll be sleeping and you'll be able to focus on the customers that really matter. 

3. Cut them off just to piss them off. Some people just like to argue. They like to argue about how their drink tastes. If it's a good value or not. If there's enough alcohol in it. They like to argue about how much their tab is and whether or not they really had all those drinks. (Yes, you did.) Some people are just born conflict-oriented. They feel big and strong and important when they're making a case or hearing their own voice. So they'll make any excuse to talk and sometimes the only thing they can think of is to complain. Also, some people are raised to believe that if they complain enough they'll get things for free. That might be true with your cell phone provider, but it sure as fuck isn't true in a local bar. No one ever gets rewarded for wasting a bartender's time. But everyone has to learn from their own mistakes. For example, I once had a pair of girls argue with me about which cup their drink would be served in. I told them they could have any cup they wanted and showed them their options. They still complained about not having the cup they wanted. They wanted to speak to my manager. About their choice of cups. Yes, people are really THAT fucking crazy. When you encounter a lemon of this size and scale, there is only one thing to do: cut them off. "I'm sorry, I think you've had enough alcohol. Would you like to see your cup options for water?" At this point, they can go somewhere else, annoy someone else - and maybe they'll even find the cup they were looking for. 

4. Introduce them to another bartender.  If you like pranks, and you're not working alone, this is the tactic for you. A customer that wants too much attention and is unreasonably chatty or intent on picking up a bartender that night keeps ordering from you. Maybe it's chance, maybe they spotted you first, maybe you're the more attentive bartender that night. Whatever they case is, there's no reason not to turn fate on its head and say: "Oh, have you met (insert poor innocent co-worker here)?" And then walk away. Ten minutes later your co-worker will run over complaining and you'll get a good laugh. It's a temporary solution but albeit a funny one. 

5. Introduce them to your bouncer. Sometimes, desperate times call for desperate measures. And when things escalate, you've got to call in back up. Those girls who had the cup obsession actually got so loud and hostile with me that a bouncer walked over on his own to check on me. They yelled at him and at my manager who later laughed with me about how crazy they were. Hey, when an annoying customer becomes a hostile customer it's time to 86 them. 

Stop sucking face at my bar!

No, seriously, what is wrong with people?

Do you drunk people who make out at bars actually think you look hot? You don't. There is no make-up or lighting team. This is a not a porno and it's not a big Hollywood moment. It actually looks more like recent news footage from Miami because I'm scared you might be eating that girl's face. Not to mention, I can see your hand up her dress and her leg over your lap, okay? I'm not fucking blind. Get a room! I would walk over and tell you but I'm afraid that anyone who goes near your barstool right now runs the risk of getting pregnant.

I understand that you're drunk and that you haven't had any attention in, like, eleven months or so. And this girl finally wants to have sex with you (maybe). I get it, but this little mating dance that you're doing with your tongues is grossing me out. Stop it! It's disgusting. Bars have dark corners for dark deeds, so why are you swallowing this girl's face in a brightly lit area right in front of my center beer tower? I've seen her, so maybe you do have some issues with your eyesight (beer goggles?), but that's no excuse when you've stationed yourself front and center. I mean, literally everyone in here can also see this horrendous display and it's not pretty... Can I expect to be compensated for the business I'm losing from your repellant act of passion? No!

Therefore, I'm instituting a new cure for "get-a-room-itis." Okay? It's called an HOURLY RATE. If you're not going to actually get a room, I'm going to start charging you $30 per hour to sit at my bar and suck face. You're disturbing my business, my mental health and my appetite. Just make sure you wash your hands before you hand me the cash, please.

NEWS FLASH: I'm not a stripper!

So last night, amongst other hostile bar patrons, I served a customer who is a chronic no-tipper. We'll call him FUCKTARD. After he takes his change and puts ALL OF IT in his pocket, the following dialogue ensues:

Bar Girl: Hey, dude, where's my tip? Why do I always have to remind you to tip?

Fucktard: Hey, maybe if you show me a little titty, I'll tip you.

Bar Girl: I'm not a stripper. This isn't a titty bar. Get the fuck out of my face.

Fucktard: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just drunk. Here's five dollars.

Bar Girl: Thanks. Now get the fuck out of my face.

NEW FLASH TO THE WORLD: Bartenders are NOT strippers. And those tips we earn are for hustling our asses off to make our customers happy and drunk NOT to get naked or grind on someone's business.  Now, I don't have a problem with strippers or escorts or anyone in the business of sex. Power to you. But that's not our jam, you feel me? You don't ask a janitor to cook you a steak medium rare or ask a car salesman for legal advice, do you? No. Because that's not their fucking job. And whatever fucktard does for a living - managing a McDonald's or cleaning NYU's facilities - I don't walk up to him and tell him he'll only get paid if he tailors a pair of pants for me. No. Cause that's fucking stupid.

Bartenders often get confused for other people and professions. Here's a short list:

• Strippers
• Hookers
• AppleCare Geniuses (I don't know why your iPhone won't charge, okay? I plugged it in.)
• Therapists
• Priests (Seriously, I'm a Jew. Idiot. But whatever, you're forgiven.)
• DJs
• Slaves
• Financial Advisors (It's more money cause it's stronger, dumbass. It's worth it.)

So, to avoid further confusion, let's take a look at dictionary.com's definition of bartender:

bar·tend·er

   [bahr-ten-der] 

noun

a person who mixes and serves alcoholic drinks at a bar.

That's it. Simple, right? I make hundreds of excellent drinks at lightning fast speed every night - and I do it with a smile - and for that, I deserve my tips.